When it comes to relationships, many of us are familiar with the challenges of poor communication. Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman identified the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as the core destructive behaviors that erode relationships over time. The common advice to counter these behaviors typically revolves around awareness and improved communication techniques.
But in my experience, awareness alone isn’t enough to transform these deeply ingrained patterns… in fact, awareness can cause you to be hyper-vigilant and mentally exhausted trying to be conscious of your words, actions, and reactions constantly.
You can know that you’re being critical or defensive, and you can practice better communication techniques, but if the underlying wounds remain unhealed, the cycle will continue.
What’s truly needed is a deeper process—one that gets to the root of those behaviors, heals the painful attachment wounds, and allows you to create a secure self and connected relationships.
This is where Rapid Release comes in. It’s the process I use to help people quickly identify and resolve the root causes of their pain, allowing them to move beyond communication band-aids to deep, lasting healing.
The Four Horsemen and Their Root Causes: More Than Just Bad Habits
Let’s dive into each of the Four Horsemen from the lens of attachment wounds and limiting beliefs, and why simply being aware of these patterns won’t create the change you need unless you heal what lies beneath.
1. Criticism: Masking the Fear of Inadequacy
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the behavior. When you say, "You never listen to me" instead of, "I feel hurt when you don’t respond," you’re not just expressing frustration—you’re often reacting to a deeper fear of inadequacy.
This wound often forms in childhood, where you may have faced constant criticism or felt that nothing you did was good enough to earn love. This creates a limiting belief that you're fundamentally flawed, leading you to project that fear onto your partner. It’s not just about learning to communicate better—what’s needed is healing the fear at its core.
Limiting belief: "I’m not good enough”. This can cause the subconscious coping pattern where I point out others’ flaws to avoid feeling inadequate.
Healing focus: I help my clients access the root memory or early experience that taught them they were inadequate, releasing the stress and pain to restore a sense of peace. We then create a new belief so they can move forward with an empowered sense of worthiness.
2. Contempt: A Shield for Deep Shame
Contempt is criticism turned toxic. Through sarcasm, ridicule, or hostile humor, contempt conveys disgust, often making your partner feel worthless. But this behavior usually masks deep-rooted shame or humiliation from early life.
If you were belittled, shamed, or made to feel small growing up, you likely carry that wound into your adult relationships, using contempt to protect yourself from feeling inferior again.
Awareness of this pattern is helpful, but unless you release the shame, it continues to drive your behavior.
Limiting belief: "I’m worthless” which can cause the need to tear others down to feel powerful.
Healing focus: Rapid Release allows us to access the shame at its source, processing and releasing it so you no longer need to use contempt to protect yourself. With the wound healed, your relationships can be grounded in respect and empathy.
3. Defensiveness: Fear of Rejection in Disguise
Defensiveness is a common reaction when we feel threatened or blamed, and it often stems from a fear of rejection or abandonment. You may have learned, through painful childhood experiences, that admitting fault or showing vulnerability led to being emotionally shut out.
This creates the belief that protecting yourself is more important than taking responsibility in a relationship. While learning to be more open sounds like the right solution, it won’t stick unless you heal the fear that drives defensiveness.
Limiting belief: "If I admit fault, or did something wrong, they’ll leave me” which can cause the subconscious pattern to stay quiet and energetically push your partner away which results in abandonment.
Healing focus: I help you resolve the original experiences of rejection, clearing out the fear so you can embrace vulnerability and responsibility without feeling threatened. We cultivate powerful new belief system so you feel safe and calm to communicate and can do so in a constructive and connective way.
4. Stonewalling: Overwhelm and the Fear of Losing Control
Stonewalling occurs when someone shuts down emotionally, often in the heat of conflict. This withdrawal is often a response to emotional overwhelm and a fear of being consumed by another’s emotions or needs.
This pattern tends to develop from early relationships where emotional boundaries were unclear or nonexistent, making the person feel smothered. Without healing this core wound, communication techniques to re-engage won’t resolve the fear of emotional engulfment.
Limiting belief: "If I stay engaged, I’ll lose control of myself or be overwhelmed” which can cause the subconscious pattern to avoid and detach.
Healing focus: By addressing the early experiences of emotional overwhelm, I help you build an internal sense of safety and emotional regulation, so that staying present in conflict feels manageable and safe.
Moving Beyond Awareness: The Power of Healing
So, why isn’t awareness or better communication enough? Because these patterns are not just behaviors—they’re protective mechanisms developed in response to old wounds. You can’t simply “think” your way out of them.
No one in the hear of an argument or emotional overwhelm is consciously saying, “you know what… let me take a breath and regain my composure.” Most of us are acting from our wounds and subconscious system and our nervous system is in a survival state which shuts off brain capacity.
These wounds need to be healed at the emotional and subconscious level to heal the trigger so we aren’t thrown into survival mode.
Through Rapid Release, I help you quickly get to the heart of your painful experiences, resolve the attachment wounds, and free yourself from the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck in harmful patterns.
This process doesn’t teach you how to communicate and manage your attachment wound in a better way—it transforms how you see yourself, allowing you to cultivate a secure self and truly connected relationships.
The Real Solution: Healing Your Secure Self
At the core of all healthy relationships is a secure self—one that feels worthy, capable of trust, and emotionally safe. When you heal your attachment wounds, you reclaim that secure self, which allows you to show up in your relationships without fear, defensiveness, or judgment.
Imagine how different your relationships could be if you:
Felt worthy and deserving of love, regardless of “imperfections” or “mistakes”.
Trusted yourself to handle conflict without fear of rejection or abandonment.
Remained emotionally present, even when things got tough.
This kind of transformation is possible when you heal the deeper wounds. With Rapid Release, I help you access these layers of pain, so you can finally move beyond coping mechanisms and step into a new way of relating—both to yourself and to those you love.
Are You Ready for True Transformation?
If you’re tired of endlessly practicing communication techniques without seeing lasting results, it’s time to go deeper. Let me guide you through the Rapid Release process, where together, we’ll uncover the root of your pain and heal the attachment wounds that have been holding you back.
You deserve secure, fulfilling relationships, and it all starts with healing the most important one—the relationship you have with yourself.
Reach out to start your journey toward emotional freedom and lasting love by booking a free discovery call.
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